Hello world,
1st of all, If anyone reads this, can you let me know if I am doing this right or not.
Ok, I am new to this and have posted 3 blogs. I have no idea if anyone can see these or read these. I have tried to search and found nothing.
Anyways, Today is Wednesday. Very boring day. Just sat home all day wondering what to do. Am I the only one that feels like life is passing me by, are there other people out there as depressed about their life as me? If there is WHERE ARE U? I could really use someone to chat with, express my inner feelings with, just to connect with.
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I did go for a short walk a little while ago. Now back home. I will have to do a post later I guess, I am so confused right now, I can't even blog. OMG, what to Xuck am I doing? You all must think I am some crazy lady on this site. I am really not. Just a bored, lonely person wanting to connect.
More later! Better take a Valium
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Another day in paradis
Today is Monday, August 10th 2009
What a hot day. I didn't do much today. Went to Lowe's and got some flowers. It was like i had to go and spend money, I was feeling blue today and when i spend money it makes me feel better, not spending the money, but buying something. Its like I went through this crafty phase and i went and bought all kinds of stuff for crafts and scrap booking. That was fun, but it ended. Then i totally redid a room in my house for my crafts and painted it purple, my fav color and put wind chimes all over the place and put posters up and it looks cool. I think i was trying to relive an age that i missed or something. Feels good when you are doing something different, but then it ends.
Do you ever notice everything ends. Just think for a moment of something besides the earth and sky that doesn't end?
Enough of that. Today wasn't as bad as yesterday. I forgot to take my Vavance. 1st time forgetting. Well, I will tell you, I was so dragging yesterday, couldn't get out of my own way. When I figured out that I forgot to take one of my meds, by then it was late in the afternoon and if I took it, I would be up for hours and hours. You are probably wondering what vavance is? It is a pill like Ritalin. It is for ADHD. My DR gives it to me to get me out in the world and come energy to do something. I have been in a deep chronic depression for a few years now. The pill makes things a little better, I feel awake and can get moving and do somethings. They also put me on abilify, i just stopped taking that one, it was making me gain weight. I hate that. But, I will say that when he first put me on abilify I was able to concentrate and get some things done that i haven't been able to do in years. Sucks that it makes you gain weight. Can you imagine, stopping a med because it makes you gain weight. People think that is crazy, but you have to be the one taking it to understand. And that is another story.
What a hot day. I didn't do much today. Went to Lowe's and got some flowers. It was like i had to go and spend money, I was feeling blue today and when i spend money it makes me feel better, not spending the money, but buying something. Its like I went through this crafty phase and i went and bought all kinds of stuff for crafts and scrap booking. That was fun, but it ended. Then i totally redid a room in my house for my crafts and painted it purple, my fav color and put wind chimes all over the place and put posters up and it looks cool. I think i was trying to relive an age that i missed or something. Feels good when you are doing something different, but then it ends.
Do you ever notice everything ends. Just think for a moment of something besides the earth and sky that doesn't end?
Enough of that. Today wasn't as bad as yesterday. I forgot to take my Vavance. 1st time forgetting. Well, I will tell you, I was so dragging yesterday, couldn't get out of my own way. When I figured out that I forgot to take one of my meds, by then it was late in the afternoon and if I took it, I would be up for hours and hours. You are probably wondering what vavance is? It is a pill like Ritalin. It is for ADHD. My DR gives it to me to get me out in the world and come energy to do something. I have been in a deep chronic depression for a few years now. The pill makes things a little better, I feel awake and can get moving and do somethings. They also put me on abilify, i just stopped taking that one, it was making me gain weight. I hate that. But, I will say that when he first put me on abilify I was able to concentrate and get some things done that i haven't been able to do in years. Sucks that it makes you gain weight. Can you imagine, stopping a med because it makes you gain weight. People think that is crazy, but you have to be the one taking it to understand. And that is another story.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Another Day
Today is Sunday. I sure hope it is better than the other days. Somedays I just want, well you know. So, far so good, its only morning though. I just want an ordinary day, no stress, no hangups or screaming.
Seems like everyday is like the rest. Nothing new, just the same day after day. I just want to wake up and have a different type of day. You know, the type where you smile, laugh and enjoy the day for what it is.
I am just rambling on at this moment. I just want to be happy and try to make friends, but i have a problem trusting people, so that is going to be a challenge.
Just got out of the shower and took another pain pill. Maybe that will make me feel better who knows. I have to be careful though, not to go off count, my dr would freak. the situations with meds lately is crazy, they all feel that everybody gets high on them or something. I have been on pain meds for 20 years and then some. It is past the point of addiction.
Another problem in life.
Well, i haven't heard from my son today. That is good, he has been giving me such a hard time and calling me names and acting out of it. I wish he would take the meds he is suppose to. He hates his life and blames me for everything.
Why is it allways someone elses fault for someones failure or mishaps in life.
I know i am rambling again.. His son has been here since last Wednesday and when he calls he doesn't even ask to talk to him. OMG, he says he can't. I wish i knew how my son came down with this chemical imbalence in his brain. I so wish he would take his meds and get better. He is making so many lives stressed as well as his own.
Having someone come down with a mental illness, especially your son or daughter is devistating and can be so stressful and he doesn't even realize he is sick. So many days i wish life was different, but i guess this is gods plan i just can't figure out why..... I hope that you have a comment to leave or maybe a suggestion i can try. I need some happiness and i feel so alone and i cry all the time. I am so tired, so sad. Help Please. Can anyone see this? does anyone know how i feel everyday? If you do, i need your help, because what i am doing is just bringing myself down more. each and every day.
More later. lets see how this day proceeds.
Seems like everyday is like the rest. Nothing new, just the same day after day. I just want to wake up and have a different type of day. You know, the type where you smile, laugh and enjoy the day for what it is.
I am just rambling on at this moment. I just want to be happy and try to make friends, but i have a problem trusting people, so that is going to be a challenge.
Just got out of the shower and took another pain pill. Maybe that will make me feel better who knows. I have to be careful though, not to go off count, my dr would freak. the situations with meds lately is crazy, they all feel that everybody gets high on them or something. I have been on pain meds for 20 years and then some. It is past the point of addiction.
Another problem in life.
Well, i haven't heard from my son today. That is good, he has been giving me such a hard time and calling me names and acting out of it. I wish he would take the meds he is suppose to. He hates his life and blames me for everything.
Why is it allways someone elses fault for someones failure or mishaps in life.
I know i am rambling again.. His son has been here since last Wednesday and when he calls he doesn't even ask to talk to him. OMG, he says he can't. I wish i knew how my son came down with this chemical imbalence in his brain. I so wish he would take his meds and get better. He is making so many lives stressed as well as his own.
Having someone come down with a mental illness, especially your son or daughter is devistating and can be so stressful and he doesn't even realize he is sick. So many days i wish life was different, but i guess this is gods plan i just can't figure out why..... I hope that you have a comment to leave or maybe a suggestion i can try. I need some happiness and i feel so alone and i cry all the time. I am so tired, so sad. Help Please. Can anyone see this? does anyone know how i feel everyday? If you do, i need your help, because what i am doing is just bringing myself down more. each and every day.
More later. lets see how this day proceeds.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Dazed and Confused
Today I am having another bad day. I just can't keep going on like this, my son is driving me crazy with his problems and blames me that his life is the way it is. I can't take this much more, I just want to scream. My mother is driving me to drink, she can't understand she just yells and hangs up the phone.
I need your advice so please someone read this and make a comment.
My son has a mental illness as well as being a total asswhole at times. He has anger issues and takes his anger out on me and I am ready to snap.
I wish that i could just put together my thoughts and go from there, this is making no sense, i will write later. OMG
Seems like everything around me is going wrong. People, places and things. Can't life just be happy and go on with it. Why are there so many problems.
I need your advice so please someone read this and make a comment.
My son has a mental illness as well as being a total asswhole at times. He has anger issues and takes his anger out on me and I am ready to snap.
I wish that i could just put together my thoughts and go from there, this is making no sense, i will write later. OMG
Seems like everything around me is going wrong. People, places and things. Can't life just be happy and go on with it. Why are there so many problems.
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